Author: rmpond13

I’ve been contemplating how to write how I feel. Oh how quickly we fall from our highs. They had me come back in on Easter, Sunday April 16th. I was hopeful that everything would be on track and that Easter would bring a good luck charm our way.

The doctor measured my follicles and one was barely at 10mm and the other was barely 14mm. Meaning they either shrunk or they hardly grew. I was devastated. I tried my best to hold in the tears. I put my clothes back on and met the doctor in the office.

She quickly assured me that it was more likely a difference in the reading of the ultrasound, instead of them shrinking. She said that the results did imply that they hardly grew. Their recommendation, go home and come back in two days. Oh joy! (Insert sarcasm here.)

I was angry. I was beyond angry. I was SO mad that this happened. And let alone, it happened on Easter!! A day I felt like my focus should be on something entirely different. So not only were we nowhere closer to having a baby, but we also would be suffocated ALL DAY by so many children dressed in their adorable Easter attire. Which I much confess is so lovely to see. I can’t wait to dress my children in adorable clothing to celebrate that wonderful occasion-the resurrection of Jesus Christ!!! And seeing them dressed like that isn’t the problem. The problem is hearing EVERY SINGLE PARENT complain about their children, “how they are seriously SO hyper today” and “Gosh, it’s SO hard to deal with these children on holiday’s like today.” And my personal favorite from Easter 2017, “On days like these, I wish I could ship them off to live with someone else.”

NOTE: Now I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like for parents on holidays like Easter. I have no children!! So I get that you might be at the end of your rope! And I’m so sorry that things are crazy! I can’t even imagine what it feels like! I often like to dream how M and I will celebrate Easter with our children. What it will feel like to teach them about Jesus. To learn how to deal with children on a serious sugar high.  To pick out Easter outfits. Those are the things that fill my dreams at night.

But since I’m being real here, my heart breaks. It breaks every single time a parent says things like that! Not because I don’t think parenthood is hard. (I wouldn’t know.) Not because I don’t think they should complain. (Because venting is SO essential to keeping your sanity.) It’s because I’m so incredibly sad and full of grief that I don’t have that opportunity! I don’t know what it feels like, to feel like they do. I want to be a parent with them so desperately. My heart feels sad. It aches for that day when I can.

I was really grateful though, this specific Easter Sunday! Because I could feel my Savior reaching out for me! I was responsible for teaching girls at my church, ages 12-18 about the last week of Christ’s life and His resurrection on Easter Sunday. And I felt in that moment as Mary Magdalene must have felt, crying and kneeling in the garden. When Christ asked, “Woman, why weepest thou?” and then, “Jesus saith unto her, ‘Mary.'”

I felt that moment of grief and sadness swallowed up by a Savior who knew me and was waiting for me to recognize Him, as He did with Mary. It was a tender moment that allowed for a sweet and fulfilling day, rather than a heart not willing to taken the beauties around me.

That experience helped me to get through the next couple days. We went back in today. Tuesday. I felt scared, but reassured that M was by my side. I went through the usual vitals and ultrasound. I felt extra lucky, because my fav doc did the ultrasound. She is so positive and such a happy lady! Anyway, her disposition changed quickly and as we are now pretty much pros at reading ultrasounds, I could see why. They hadn’t grown. In fact, according to her measurements one was barely at 8mm and the other was barely at 13mm. Umm, excuse me?! WHAT?!

I was confused. What is going on body? My fav doc told me to get dressed and she would come grab me. We sat down with her and they said they were going to do what is called a re-recruit. Basically, I take 7.5mg of Letrozole for 5 days and then I come in shortly after that to see if they’ve continued maturing and are ready for trigger shot/IUI.

I grateful that she didn’t just say, come back in two days. I kind of hate when they say that. So at least there was something to do. She also advised that we schedule a regrouping meeting with my Dr. to discuss IVF. She said that IVF is probably the road we will need to take. So we scheduled an appointment with him for the end of next week. They gave me the paperwork packet on IVF so we can do some research with it in the mean time.

I could REALLY use some prayers and general good vibes if you have any to share. I’m hopeful!

Be in touch soon!

We went in on the morning of April 4th for our beginning of cycle ultrasound. For those new to the path of IF – infertility – at the beginning of each cycle you usually go into the doctor for a base ultrasound. They take blood to run tests and make sure you’re safe to do a treatment cycle. Basically, you aren’t pregnant (believe me, we already know :() and to make sure you don’t have any cysts that will cause you harm. I felt a little discouraged. I mean, after all, the last cycle was cancelled because of cysts. What if they hadn’t gone away? What if one had blown up my ovary? I know they said I’d feel it, but what if I missed it somehow? M was totally positive. He wasn’t nervous at all – at least not that he showed. He just kept reassuring me that we should wait to worry until we actually know we have something to worry about. Smart man, huh? Too bad there is NO WAY my brain would allow that to happen.

They did the ultrasound. Two cysts, one on each ovary. They were small though, and shrinking dramatically. The nurse came into the room and told us the game plan. Estradiol tests were added onto my blood work – to determine if cysts were still growing –  and told me they would be in contact soon.

I got a call that night that my levels were good, so the cycle was a go! Woot Woot! Because my follicles grow so slow, they also decided to increase my Letrozole to 5 mg. Hopefully, it would allow my little follicles to mature and mature faster. I was excited. Maybe we’d have better results?

They told me to come back 10 days later – today – for our mid-cycle ultrasound. We went in and guys!!!! GUESS WHAT?!?!?!? I have TWO follicles!!! One on each ovary!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!?! Maybe that would increase my chances of having a baby!!! I could even have twins!!!! BAH! And I feel on a high, people! Like my brain cannot stop thinking about the possibilities!

Here is to hoping!